When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
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I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
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I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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