I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
