I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
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At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
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The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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