i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
