I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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