So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Someone stole a lamp last night.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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