I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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