take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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