I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
