ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
