Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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