his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
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I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
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I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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