thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
