i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
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Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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