if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You need a sexual gate keeper
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
