alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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