I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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