so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize