They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
