she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
