I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
