Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
