oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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