I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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