i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
