she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
