hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
