Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
