I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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