Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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