I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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