just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
These tits shall not be calmed
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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