You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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