FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
