The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
