I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
We got so high we made milksteak
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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