dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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