I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
