Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
There r osticjed everywhere
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
