There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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