I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Girls should come with a carfax report
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
