You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
