i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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