Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Randomize
