I think my fart just growled at me.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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