I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
