Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
