If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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