i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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