it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
