I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
