god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
